CAN I SAY THIS OUT LOUD?

Think

2009-02-09T15:39:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary

Shit my youngest child can talk the cotton socks off a donkey. OMG!! Of course its nice and its lovely and sweet but shit sometimes its just too much. He is definitely at the moment right here right now my easiest child. The other one is so hormonal and down right nasty at times I am not sure he is even my child. I know he is because of the scar I have but other than that well holy crap I don't know.

Well Mew came home with a think sheet (I nearly typed think shit). I was waiting for this and of course he got in the car when I picked him up from school and said it was his groups fault entirely. I said oh really! He said yeah they kept making me laugh. I said well did they get a think sheet. He said no they didn't because they are all always so perfect. I had to laugh and say well Mew you need to be able to control yourself but who has self control at the age of 7. I was always in the bloody corner at school always. It didn't even matter if it wasn't me. It just usually was me so I got it in the neck anyway. Both my boys suffer from the not being able to shut their gobs up. AND Mew is so loud. When he was at preschool the director came up to me and said don't let them tell you when he goes to school that he needs a hearing test because he can hear fine, he is just loud. I guess he has to be in competition with me.

So he asked what his punishment was because he knows it from his big brother that he would be in trouble. I hate being mean to him so I told him there was no tv tonight and he couldn't go on my laptop. He was cool with that and he is sitting opposite me right now doing his valentine cards. Its cute.

Valentines is well crazy. We don't send out silly little cards in England for the other kids. The first time we had to do them when he was 4 I thought I was going to hit someone. Mew is one of these kids that has to do everything. He doesn't miss a trick which is good to be that way but sometimes it would be easier if I could just do it. Well its much better now and I only had to help with tearing off the tattoos that go with his little cards. Easy peasey lemon squeezey.

Its been raining here for the last two days and it sucks. I wish it would sod off. Its cold and I am missing the sun. How sad am I??

Drunk

2009-02-02T11:20:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary

I have never really talked out loud about alcoholics. I can't say I know about every alcoholic only just my experience with one. It's a very secretive thing, a lot of hush hush going on. Its like its a secret disease that nobody can talk about. Nobody wants to admit to it because its shameful. Shameful for the alcoholic but no one ever considers the people that are living with an alcoholic especially the children. The children of alcoholic parents somehow slip under the radar. Do you know why that is? Its because alcoholics can cover up their tracks, they can put on a good front and they are not always drunk 24/7. In the end the children end up lying for their parents too out of shame, embarrassment and somehow because they believe that its their fault.

Some of my family knew what was going on but turned a blind eye to it. My Gran who was living with us until I was 16 kept it a secret. She didn't want them to know what was going on in our home and even after my mother threw her out of the house she still kept it to herself. My mother was evil to her mother and yet my Gran could not admit that her daughter had a problem. My Gran at one point used to accuse me and my brother of drinking all the orange juice, little did she know at the time that my mother was using it as a mixer. Oh the mixers didn't last long. Once she kicked my Gran out and moved us to a new house she was truly on the hard stuff.

My mother would get drunk for a whole week. Literally on the floor in a heap drunk with bottles and overflowing ashtrays around her. The house would be in a disgusting mess and no matter how hard I tried to clean up it was never clean. I can't stand the smell of maple syrup on my children because it has the same smell as that house. I would have to change their clothes immediately.

During these week long binges I got myself and my brother to school. Somehow we made it and I don't know how. She hurled abuse at us when she was concious. The only time she ever spoke of my dad was when she was drunk and then it was all nasty stuff. After he died she never ever talked about him. No pictures of him. It was like he never existed but when she was drunk he existed. I grieved for my dad when I was 17. I think I realised what I lost then.

I never had close friends when I was a teenager. I could never bring anyone home because I was never sure what I was going to walk into. Never sure even when she wasn't drunk. You could cut the atmosphere with a knife sometimes.

I have this knack of locking things away. I am good at that. Trying not to remember. The look on her face, the sneer and the ugliness. The time she ran after my uncle with a knife threatning to kill him and the time she told us that she would kill us if we answered the phone to my Gran. She had locked her out of the house when she was coming home. She was outside stranded and had gone to a pay phone to call us. I can still her the phone ringing and how terrified I was to even move in my bed. I could hear my heart beating.

It must eat her up at night knowing what she has done to us. I hope it does. She cheated me out of a mother, a grandmother and my youth.

Found this song and it made me cry. We were never phycially harmed only mentally.

I guess going through this I didn't realise it was child abuse. No one ever told us it was. I knew it wasn't right.

House

2009-02-01T19:18:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary

Not so long ago we discovered House. I had heard about it but wasn't interested in watching it. Then one night there was nothing on so we watched it. I just loved it especially because of House and his sacrastic comebacks all the time. So we have been tivoing all the repeats and it never seems to get old.

Did you know that Hugh Laurie is British and that he used to do stand up comedy. He was as funny as shit. Bloody funny. Have a look at this you tube clip of him.

He is bloody brilliant and hot to boot!!

Email

2009-01-31T15:22:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary

I got mail today meaning I got an email and it was from my mother. Well an email go figure! Not a phone call but an email. Shit how am I supposed to feel about that? This is what it said

"sorry for not writing, hope your birthday went well. it was lovely to see you if only for a few miniutes over christmas. what is everyone up to right now? George is here so he is going to help me attach some photos for you ok? Love mom"

Fucking shitting bloody hell! I want to scream and kick something into small smitherens right now.

She has no idea what so ever as to how much she hurts me. My mother is an alcoholic and no friend of mine. I was looking at some photos my brother gave me in an album of his daughter and there were some of my mother. She looked great. She looked bloody great and I don't know her. My boys don't know her. That's just shit and crap and wrong. I am angry and hurt. So angry that she seeps into my life. So angry that I don't know who I am or who I am supposed to be. So angry at her for not being my mother. For missing so much of my life and for not knowing me as a person. Angry that she doesn't know this, doesn't know what she has done. Angry that she has made me cry my whole life. Angry because I still love her. Angry at the promises she made and angry because she makes it my fault somehow.

The photos were some scenery. Fucking scenery! Its so laughable, so bloody unreal so fucking inexcusable.

My birthday not so much!! No card, no call, no nothing from her. Not a thing! How dare she?

As for Christmas and seeing her a few minutes was because she decided that instead of seeing us she would get pissed out of her mind and come off the booze the day before we travelled fucking 8 hours to see her. She was puking her guts up and her house looked like a garbage refuse center. She was supposed to come down and see us for a few days while we stayed at Scrag's parents.

So my trip to England was based around Scrag's family and not mine. Yeah it was all my idea to spend thousands of dollars to go home because me being a silly bitch was so fucking depressed last year and I thought I was homesick. Homefucking sick my ass!

This is the email I sent back to her

Hi

My birthday was ok as birthdays go. Just another year older and probably wiser.

Well we are all really busy right now. Matthew is learning to play the piano and has just started soccer lessons. He had his first game today and that was fun to go and watch him. I will have to take some pictures next weekend of him.

Sam is grounded L but he is doing good and is working hard at school. He is going to sign up for soccer soon too and he is getting a guitar for his birthday, so he will be starting lessons for that.

Trevor got back from Canada yesterday and today he is outside putting in stepping stones from the pool to the pool box. He has now finished putting flagstone down by the garage and it look great out there.

I am starting a job next week. I am going to be a nanny for a 4 month old baby girl Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursdays from 9am to 3pm. It will earn me some money to pay for the kids lessons and some extra bits and bobs.

Say hi to George and I am still waiting for him to come over here.

Hugs to you both.

Going to look at the pictures now.

Catherine

I could tell her where to go and say all sorts of stuff to her but in the end where would it get me. She would just tell me to fuck off and never talk to me. She barely talks to me now.

Doctors

2009-01-30T17:32:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary

I had to go to the doctors with Mew this afternoon. I suspected he was getting a chest infection and I was glad that I went today. He has irritated ears, gunky nose and his chest was rattely. He is on antibiotics.

I don't normally like the doctor that I saw. She is from Sweden I think and she is very hard to understand plus she is a bit of a herbal remedy kind of doctor. However today she was pretty nice and I said that Mew always seems to get very congested when he gets sick and it always ends up in his ears and chest. She said you are from England right? I said yes I am and she said so you are into herbal remedies and I mumbled uh yeah. I wasn't about to say no and I think your a fruitcake. She made sense this time though and said that I should have the boys on a probiotic which will help their immune systems. So I am going to give it a go.

We also talked about the Healthcare in the U.K. and she asked wheather I thought it was better than here. I said that I liked it better there because it was more on a personal level. I knew my doctor really well and he knew the boys. He knew I was paranoid about Mew and he knew what happened to Annabel so he was very soothing and always eased my worries. I felt that I could go to the doctors whenever I needed to and I didn't have to way up wheather or not it was a neccessary trip like I do here. I do miss my Doctor Bayles at the Old School Surgery. He was a great doctor. He even came to my house after Annabel died to see me. Couldn't have asked for more really. So I know the Brits knock the healthcare system in England but I don't think its much better here.

Secretly

2009-01-29T09:33:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary

I secretly want stuff and I have to keep it quite. I want new things. I crave some new stuff. I can't remember the last time I had something new for the house.

I wanna

I wanna

I wanna

a new kettle and a new toaster.

Sad I know.... alright enough said!!

P.S. I wanna wear party shoes too!!

Friendship

2009-01-28T18:07:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary

Today I was sitting as an outsider listening into a conversation. It was just a group of woman talking at soccer practice about life in general. I sat there with my book and kept on reading the same line over and over again wishing that they would just shut up so I could read. Perhaps I was just jealous that I was sitting there on my own and no one had bothered to speak to me. I don't think I was jealous but it has been a real struggle here to fit in. I don't want to be a soccer mom in the slightest and I really don't want to sit there and discuss my finance with a bunch of MOMS either. I just want to have friends that I see on a regular basis and not in passing. I know lots of people and a couple of people that I hang out with occasionally but nothing more. I guess life changes and you move on so really I just need to get over it.

We have lived here now for 5 years and I have no concrete friendships (except you Jaye of course xx). I don't know what I think I am looking for but I don't think I am ever going to find it.

I feel like I have spent most of my life just trying to fit in and make friends.

This is a whiny post and should be put to the bottom of the pile.

Irrational

2009-01-28T08:18:00.001-08:00

Dear Diary

I don't know why I over analyze things. I feel I have to worry over every detail and it gets on my nerves. Scrag isn't here right now so I can't annoy him with my silliness.

Like today Mew starts Soccer at 4:30pm for an hour, so I am here worrying about getting dinner for them, their homework, piano practice and this play he has to learn. OMG and making their lunch. Shit I have tons of time to do it but its a change in my after school schedule. I am pathetic really. OCD OCD OCD!!!

Well I went to my nannying job yesterday to hang out when the mum cooked dinner for her dinner party. It was bloody hard work. I forgot how demanding babies are and my nerves were shredded by the time I left. I will have to get a grip because the mum will be working from home. I know babies cry and stuff but I hated to hear my children cry so this is going to be hard for all of us I guess. I am sure the baby will get used to me in time. I got all panicky about it last night. Yes worrying about my boys over the summer. I will be working three days a week. Scrag said we will figure it out. I just feel guilty because I am abandoning them. I know that they will be o.k... just feels weird. Plus I think I have control issues. Like I won't be there to control the mess and stuff going on. It will be good for me and them I think. MIL said she might come out in the summer for two weeks and I will take two weeks off so it won't be that bad.

I started to watch a movie I got from redbox last night but I couldn't finish it. I was so tired. It had Helen Hunt in it. I couldn't believe how old she looked and thin. Way to thin really. Colin Firth was as hot as ever. Could have done with a hair cut but hot all the same. I think the movie was called And Then She Found Me. The night before I watched Hancock. It was ok, just a bit silly.

6 months

2009-01-25T17:13:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary

Why do people have an ideal perception of something that can not possibly be what they imagine its going to be say six months from now? How can you base a decision on somewhere that you have lived when you only lived there for 6 months? I am annoyed.

I have spent the last few hours listening to someone say how much they don't like the weather here, how many more friends her daughter would have if they didn't live here and how much better the place was that they lived before. They were there for 6 months! It just annoys me because you can't say anything about how wonderful it is here because she has to say something negative. Bloody hell!!!

I know its me. I know that after awhile things start to annoy me about people. I knew this friend would. I knew it after I suggested going somewhere for my birthday lunch and she didn't want to go there. I of course ended up compremising on my birthday. Its because I don't say anything. I should be more opinionated instead of sitting back and taking it. I should say it out loud more!! But I can't so I will blog it instead.

I want to say fuckity fuck fuck fuck but that would be wrong right?

People

2009-01-23T08:25:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary

I seriously think that there is something wrong with me. I notice things about people all the time. I mean instantly notice. The other day I was talking to a girl and she kept saying " And What Not". I couldn't stop myself from counting how many times she said it. I have another friend that says "Ya Know What I Mean" all the bloody time. Its funny as hell! Maybe I do it and I don't know. I think it must be a form of OCD or something that I notice this stuff. I have a friend who's son ends a phone call the way she does "Um Bye". Now come on thats weird but maybe not. You know what is weirder though?

Well my brother is the drop dead spitting image of my Dad. I mean the whole 9 yards, mannerisms and everything. Freaks the shit out of my mum. You know why? Well my Dad died when my brother was 8. Holy crap!! So its must be a weird genetic thing. Well maybe not weird but well you know.

On a completly different note I heard that Brittany is causing some mischeif again. Silly bloody cow. She needs to grow up and sort her life out. Apperently there is some underlying message in her latest song. Something about Amy!! LOL It took me like a million years to figure out what they were banging on about. Ha ha banging on about. See I am funny really!!

Redbox

2009-01-22T19:02:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary

Forgetting Sarah Marshall sucks big ones. Thought I would redbox it and it was a load of tosh really. The only thing I have to say is that it was quite refreshing not to see boobs all over it. I was kind of stunned into silence when his willy appeared on screen a few times. That was certainly a cushion moment. Had to feel sorry for the guy though really even though the crying was obcene.

Saw Eagle Eye the other night. Now that was a pretty decent film. Kept me on the edge and no cushion hiding there.

Death

2009-01-22T06:45:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary

Yesterday I found out from a friend that an old friend of mines husband died last week. Shit!! I wanted to pick up the phone and call her so bad. But that would have been wrong on so many levels I guess. I haven't spoken to her for at least two years and my guess is a phone call out of the blue would have been a bit of a shocker. So I had to stop myself from doing it. I picked up a card instead to send.

Death scares me as I am sure it scares lots of people. I try not to think about it too often but sometimes it creeps into my mind and lingers for a bit. I am not old yet. Well I am old enough for me but not old enough to die yet. I think the worst part for me is if my partner dies. I don't know if I could pick the pieces up and move on. I already had to do that once and its soul destroying.

Death ~ I think that I would want to go not knowing. Not knowing what was going on and just fall asleep.

Cat